Grief Ambushes

Twenty eight years ago I didn’t understand grief as I do today. Honestly, I still feel that I have a minuscule grasp on grief and how it all plays out in each of our lives. Each person’s grief journey looks so very different which is why I have a hard time fully understanding just how complex it is.

What I do know is that at times grief just shows up out of nowhere. It can come at you like an ambush at any time. Grief is not a respecter of time or place. I’ve known this for years as I think back at different times of my life. It wasn’t until 4 years ago I had heard the term in my GriefShare class that I put a label on the times when grief would come out of nowhere and the emotions of the loss feel as fresh during that time as when it first happened.

One day in 2017 I was driving home from work. It was a fairly typical day and I was looking forward to going home and resting. I was driving along Sardis Rd. down one of the many hills and passing by the backside of my friend, Lisa’s parent’s neighborhood when I thought of my grandfather (Peabody) and the tears came hard and fast. For some reason I had not connected what day it was to the thoughts and memories now flooding my mind. However, my heart and grief knew what day it was. It was July 16th and that is the day that my grandfather had passed away.

My grandparents and my mom’s cousin, Dan.

This year marked 28 years since his heaven day. It has been a few years since I’ve had a grief ambush when it comes to my grandfather’s passing. This year, it came but not on the 16th. It was before. For some reason I remember my grandfather’s voice. I can’t explain it. I have heard that many people forget what their loved ones sounds like. I believe part of the reason I can remember my grandfather’s voice is that there are others in my life who sound like him. My great uncles sounded like him. Both of them have passed away in the last 10 years.

There is one other person in my life who sounds like him and that is my uncle Ron. He and my aunt Cindy came for a visit the weekend before the 16th.

As we were preparing to head out for a day in the mountains, I heard my uncle say something and I also heard my grandfather’s voice. I have absolutely no idea what was said, but it was the perfect inflection that my grandfather had. My uncle even laughs like him. When I heard him sound like my grandfather I was taken aback by how at that moment I would be remembering so many childhood memories. I did go to the bathroom and sat in there for a couple of minutes as to not start crying in front of everyone. Yes, I go to the bathroom when I need a moment or two to compose myself. Funny enough, it’s the one place no one questions why I am in there for more than a few minutes.

Thankfully, I was able to keep it together the rest of the day. Not that I was stuffing my grief down, I was managing it in a way that would help me to find joy as we spent the day together. The tears have flowed as I write this post. I am thankful I was able to navigate that moment of grief in a way that was helpful for me and instead of making me sad that day, I rejoiced that I had time with my family.

I believe how we handle those grief ambushes helps us as we move forward on our journeys. Many days I do not handle the ambushes well. However, with God’s grace and mercy, I am learning as I go along.

Do you experience grief ambushes?